Reasons Why
by mponeiro
Summary: The reasons why Caspian needed a girl of the stars to capture his heart, when time couldn’t make him forget. The reasons why Susan made herself to forget when her heart refused to free itself of memory’s chains.
1. La Vie En Rose

Disclaimer: The world of Narnia and all its people are the creations of C.S Lewis. Not mine. Unfortunately for me….that man was brilliant in his simplicity. I should take a cue or two from him….

Author's Note: Romeo and Juliet, Cecilia and Robbie of _Atonement,_ Louis XIV and Marie Mancini of _Le Roi Soleil, _Will and Lyra, Joe Bradley and Princess Ann, Satine and Christian…..all hopeless, impossible loves that could never be or ended before they ever had a chance to happen. These are the kind of tragedies that people love to read, but seeing Prince Caspian and Susan made me want a happy ending, for once. I know this romance is not in any way implied in the books, but it was never made clear if it _couldn't _have happened, either. Lewis left a lot of room for speculation and development on the relationships and personalities of his characters.

None the less, I am going to stick to the original story line as much as possible. This takes place in two parts; the first part pre- Dawn Treader, the second part post –Last Battle.

"Spoken words"

'_thoughts'_

* * *

_**Chapter I**_

_**La vie en rose**_

"_Quand il me prend dans ses bras  
Il me parle tout bas,  
Je vois la vie en rose."_

The words, spoken with a trace of English accent, pierced her wandering awareness. Susan blinked. Her classmate blinked back at her, the start of annoyance mixed with puzzlement as the expectant pause became several moments of awkward quiet. Georgiana, Susan's boarding mate at St Helen's Queen Academy for Young Ladies, let the silence stretch on for a little while more while Susan stared and blinked some more, clearly trying to return her thoughts into the stuffy, shelf-filled library and come back from the million miles away of daydreaming .

Just as Georgiana began to drum her fingers in an irritated rhythm on the desktop, Susan gave herself a mental shake, wanting to kick herself for being so careless with her thoughts. "Ah….terribly sorry about that, Georgiana. Please repeat that for me?" Georgiana sigh slightly-French pronunciation could be _such_ a bother sometimes- and repeated the French phrase. Susan felt her heart stop at the memories the words inspired in her, memories she wasn't prepared to deal with. Taking a deep breath to master herself, Susan folded her hands on her gray-pleated lap and with a straight face recited the English translation for the popular song's lyrics, chosen by Georgiana to use as an exercise for French study. Her accent was flawless, and understanding of the language perfect, but the heart-felt words of the song rang hollowly in Susan's expressionless tone of voice and face.

Frowning slightly from both a twinge of jealously and concentration, Georgiana brushed blonde bangs out of her eyes as she went through the French dictionary, checking the words she wasn't sure of to make sure of the correct translation. "Hm…._parle_…._vois_…..yes…yes…you got it right, Susan. All of it right. Except for the last bit you didn't translate…_La vie en rose_…." Susan smiled wanly, closing her notebook with a decisive clap. "Those words aren't something can't be properly translated without losing their true meaning, Georgiana." Checking her watch, Susan stood up from the plush armchair, sweeping books into a large leather school bag. "And that shall conclude our study for today!" "Uh….yes, of course!" Georgiana responded quickly, surprised and slightly put off by the commanding but gracious tone of voice Susan had suddenly adopted. With another smile that never reached her eyes, Susan said her polite goodbyes to Georgiana, and departed from the library so swiftly Georgiana was left to wonder if perhaps she behaved perhaps too impatiently with Ms. Susan Pevenisie's daydreaming inattentiveness, something that seemed to happen more than ever during classes and study sessions this term. Shrugging, Georgiana also began to sweep her books off the massive pine desk and into her bag; Susan's problems were no concern of hers. Though she _did_ want to ask every now and then exactly what Susan could be thinking of. Whenever Georgiana saw that daydreaming look on Susan's face, the expression was sometimes one of intense longing, combined with a numb-eyed look of those who must except the inventible, no matter how bad it was; that, combined with the reserved, overly gracious and polite attitude that seemed to mask some deeper feeling, was a marked change from the smiling, sociable girl of last term, who had been so happy to be back in school after a long respite caused by the war.

Georgiana, like other girls who had been friends or acquaintances in previous terms, attributed this change to belated psychological effects of the war, or perhaps to the emotional stresses of simply being a teenage girl

None of them were close in the least. None could ever comprehend the burden of memory that weighed down on Susan's mind and heart with every breath she took. None, that is, except the three others of her own blood who had shared in that particular experience which comprised a large part of those memories, memories that made Susan ache with longing. But not even they, her own sister and brothers who were the only people in this entire world who could relate in the experience of a whole other life lived in another world; even they couldn't understand the extent of Susan's burden. Susan knew they also would attribute her detached behavior to the pain of losing Narnia forever, and while it was true that was a large part of her burden, that was not the entire cause of her pain.

No, it wasn't anything as simple as forever losing a life and a world as dear to her heart as the siblings who shared that life with her, although the logical part of her mind said it should be. As Susan Pevensie walked through the heavy wooden doors into the bright sunshine and early chill of autumn, she found her self contemplating once again on her loss, and wanted to shake her head at her folly. But because to deny it would be to acknowledge it, Susan simply raised her face to the sun, closing her eyes to absorb the lingering warmth. While she must have looked a strange sight, her dark-haired, uniformed silhouette surrounded by the pines and bushes of the school courtyards, face upturned to the sun, Susan cared little for the amused or odd looks from any passerby. All that mattered was this contradictory moment of denial and remembrance: the sun's warmth brought her mind rushing back once more to the fantastical mountains and majestic castles of the world that so vividly lived on in her thoughts and dreams, even as she sought to suppress the acknowledgement of some deeper emotion associated with that place. The rush of wind through the pine needles could have been the trees murmuring; the cool breeze that brushed her face might have been the forever chilly wind that blew off the sea or mountains.

The abrupt slam of a door and shrill ring of a phone through an open window shattered through Susan's mind, yanking her back to the present. To this world.

_It was never meant to last….._

Sighing, Susan opened her eyes, resolving yet again to put an end to her day dreams. But then her eyes suddenly caught on a lone patch of bright pink amongst the dense green foliage of pines and leafy brush that composed most of the plants in the courtyard. Without realizing it, Susan was suddenly running towards the patch of pink, and after a few short steps she was standing before short tree, half its branches full of small blossoms. The light pink petals floated with ethereal speed from branches to ground, a few landing in her hair. She reached up a hand to pluck one of the blossoms from the tree, and as her hand closed around the fragile petals, her mind suddenly recalled a memory. A memory in which flowers like these were thrown from the grateful hands of a cheering crowd, as she rode behind a newly crowned king through the streets of a liberated city. The pink petals swirled around her and her siblings as they proudly rode through the city, and the joy and splendor of the day came rushing back to her, along with the remembrance of one person who figured so vividly in this memory. In her minds eye, Susan could still see him as he half-turned in his saddle to look back and send her that heart-stopping smile that had forced Susan to acknowledge that he was more than just the young king she and her siblings came to aid, and she smiled back with equal joy in her expression, and tried not to feel too giddy at the way his eyes lit up at her reaction. Pink petals continued to stream through the air, adding more color and vibrancy to the gathering crowds already energized with the victory over tyranny and hope in a new king.

Pink flowers were on some of the trees surrounding the hill where Susan breathed her last breath in Narnia, and the cheerful color seemed to jump out, in stark contrast with the heart-clenching grief that struck her and Peter as she calmly said they could never return, and something ached even more as she met Caspian's eyes when he heard those words. As Susan spoke those playful words that attempted to reason with her and him why nothing between them could have ever happened, those flowers stood out in her memory. When she had rushed back into Caspian's arms, to lay her first and final kiss on the young man she was just discovering she could have loved, she remembered how the flower's scent mingled with his as she closed her eyes in the kiss and in his arms; the lingering fragrance was one of the last things Susan remembered when she had turned away with a smile on her face, and as she walked those first steps through the portal she would now forever associate the smell with the words 'accept it, and don't look back.' And she hadn't looked back, but stepped resolutely forward as she walked behind Peter, and in that moment she determined to never let tortuous thoughts of 'what could have been' ever plague her memory.

Yet here she was, staring into space and remembering everything as if it were only yesterday. In spite of her earlier resolve, she felt that familiar pang of longing, of wanting to know what could have happened, had she stayed. The longing grew into frustration at herself for being unable to let go, and the frustration morphed into anger at the circumstances that would forever prevented from knowing the answer to the question 'what if. ' Susan looked down at the little flower resting in her hand, and suddenly crushed the fragile thing into a pulpy mess of stem and petals.

_'When I'm in your arms….I see life in pink…'_

'La vie en rose', indeed. If only the words could be her own reality.

* * *

The song lyrics are from 'La Vie en Rose', by Edith Piaf. If you've seen 'Le Môme' (or 'La Vie en Rose', depending where you're from) or been to France, you know this singer. She was very popular in France during the 40's and 50's (and to this day considered one of the greatest singers of all time), so I'm taking a guess and assuming that people in England would be somewhat familiar with her music, since Susan would have lived during the height of Piaf's popularity. 'La Vie en Rose' is one of Piaf's most well-known ballads, so Susan would have known this song.

And I'm not a fluent French speaker, I only know a bit from learning some songs in French…so if you can spot any errors in the translation I've done, please point them out so I can correct them.

Finally...thanks for taking the time to read this. Please review!

Merci!


	2. Giving In

Chapter II

_**Giving in**_

"_That's just it. We're not coming back."_

As she spoke those words that struck Caspian's heart (he hadn't expected to feel such violent sadness at those words and was well aware how transparent his emotions were, but didn't care in the least), he found himself unable to tear his gaze away from Susan, even as she looked at Lucy. In spite of the sorrow that welled up within him, Caspian was able to notice how composed Susan remained. With the same unfailing bravery he saw them both display in the face of death on the battlefield, the High King Peter and the Gentle Queen both stepped forward to meet their fate with grim resolution. Neither would let this destroy them. Neither would give into bitter sadness and anger at unchangeable circumstance.

Susan hadn't quailed from standing up to a dozen armed horsemen. She had commanded a regiment of archers, and charged into brutal, bloody battle against men twice her size. And now here she was, facing the end of her life in Narnia, yet Susan's face remained free of sadness. In that moment Caspian realized that this was the strength of a true Queen of Narnia, and that she would face the end of her time in this world with courage and utter resignation_, _as befitting her personage and royalty._ 'She's refusing to give into the sadness',_ Caspian thought as Susan approached him. She was even smiling a bit. Seeing her composure made Caspian realize he couldn't give into the tumultuous emotions of grief, but he couldn't stop himself from saying something to show her, in some small way, what he felt. _'I have to say something!'_

But he found himself unable to speak, as the full knowledge of the situation hit him. Another realization hit him: he had subconsciously been planning a life with her, she as a Queen ruling at his side. In his mind, they four Kings and Queens would were going to remain in Narnia for an unspecified amount of time, as they had before-time enough for him to explore the feelings that he had begun to feel for her, his Queen. But now those plans would vanish just as she was about to.

The hourglass had been turned, the sand falling through the funnel. So little sand, but it was all they had.

"I wish we had more time together" Caspian couldn't help the harshness of his voice, the intensity with which he gazed down at her. '_In a few seconds she'll be gone forever'. _

Then he saw her smile. "We would have never worked out anyways." she said, still smiling.

For a moment, he was perturbed. The surprise at her words countered the almost overwhelming sadness he felt. "Why not?" He asked. "I _am_ 1300 years older than you."

He managed to chuckle softly at her words...and then the moment came. For a few seconds, she stood there. The expression on her face was wistful, wondering-and then she walked away. '_Her time in my life has ended'._

The disappointment came crashing back down on Caspian, and he turned to watch her retreating figure as it stepped away from him.

Then she paused for the briefest of seconds. Before Caspian could register the movement, she'd turned, and then time stopped. He was reaching for her before he realized it, her hand at his neck, his at her waist. Distantly, Caspian heard the collective gasp of many people, but that faded away, and there was nothing but the soft press of her lips against his, and a final acknowledgement of what their hearts felt for each other. In that single frame of eternity, Caspian realized that he had never admired someone, feared so desperately for their life, or felt as passionately as he did for Susan. His mind forever froze the moment in his memory, imprinting the smallest of details: the silkiness of her hair in his hand, how her mouth tasted faintly of some sweet fruit, the delicate smell of some flower trees…..the soft murmurings of her siblings reached his ears, but he heard no words as in his minds eye, every memory of their time together flashed before him.

She was his first taste of love, but now bitter, immovable circumstance would end it before it had even begun.

The kiss ended too soon, and he pulled her into his arms. He wanted to whisper something in her ear, to _say _how he felt. But all that came to mind was _I'll never let go_, and those were words that couldn't be. Even as he could feel the pounding of her heart against his, the last grains of sand were speeding through the hourglass. He had closed his eyes tightly, holding her to him as she wrapped her arms around his waist.

Time moved again. She stepped back, looking up into to meet his smoldering gaze.'_The time to start smiling is __**now**_' Caspian thought, as Susan smiled yet again, though now sadness touched her gaze.

But this time, Caspian smiled back.

She turned away, and the finality of the moment hit him like a tidal wave.

Keep smiling, he though. Keep smiling.

And he managed to still smile when she met his eyes for one last time-but now her eyes no longer held any sadness in them, only determination. Then she was gone, and was left with nothing but the memory of her retreating form framed by the trees, and the barest hint of unshed tears in his eyes.

* * *

Gasping, Caspian all but flew out of bed. The momentum caused him to crash into a nightstand, sending a brass basin clattering to the floor. Caspian barely heard the noise; in his mind, he still saw calm blue eyes as they vanished into oblivion. But the loud noise had not gone unnoticed, and the sound of small feet running pierced Caspian's consciousnes

"Your Majesty?" The voice was small, minuet even, as it urgently called through the door. Caspian stared at the fallen basin, dumbfounded; he couldn't comprehend why there was darkness and chilly air around him, instead of blue sky and outdoor sunshine.

"Your Majesty!" The voice was more urgent this time, and was joined in by a deeper, more powerful voice. The change snapped Caspian out of his stupor, and he managed to choke out a few words.

"D-don't worry, Reepicheep. Everything is well!" His voice sounded shaky, Caspian knew, but couldn't help it. Fumbling a bit, he made his way to the door and opened it. Three pairs of concerned eyes stared back at him, illuminated only by a distant wall-lamp on the other side of his outer chamber; Caspian was able to make out the diminutive features of the Knight Mouse, the stolid centaur Windfoot, and the thin face of man known as Del Toro. They were the three of his personal bodyguards, who this night kept around-the-clock vigil. Seeing them made Caspian instantly sober up, for they were grim reminders of the reasons_ why_ such around-the-clock protection was needed.

Rubbing his eyes and taking deep breaths to steady himself, Caspian answered as quickly as he could managed, in a hurry to put the tense nerves of his guards at ease.

"It was nothing, Reepicheep…just a..." …a what? Even in his sleepy state of mind, Caspian knew he couldn't say he was reliving the one worse moments of his life to his bodyguards. It wouldn't do to just blurt out emotional memories, when his duty was to be a stolid, impervious king-and damn it all, he would do everything to maintain that image.

If only he had the actual strength of mind to maintain it, that is…..

"….Just a bad dream?" Del Toro supplied blandly. Caspian stared at him for a moment. "Yes" he said softly. "That's what it was." "It seems Your Majesty has been plagued by those more recently." Windfoot said softly, concern showing on his face. Caspian almost snapped back without realizing it- as if assassination attempts in the dead of night weren't reason enough for such nightmares to occur!-but he held his tongue, and yawned instead.

"Yes…it would seem so, Windfoot. Now, I am sorry to have alarmed you so needlessly, but it's only a case of bad dreams and insomnia."

His guards nodded in understanding, and he bid them goodnight as a form of dismissal. They left his doorway, but Windfoot gave him a look of stern understanding, and Caspian had the unpleasant feeling that the centaur could see through his bland words. Shaking his head, Caspian shut the door, and stormed out onto the balcony. He was careful to open the doors quietly, but still found himself running to grip the balcony's edge, the harsh roughness of the stone and chill of the night minuet distractions against the rage of emotions that tried to overwhelm him

_ 'Damn it.' _

_ 'I'm allowing myself to be ruled by my emotions!'_

Caspian took a few deep breaths, to help calm himself. Yet the young king reflected on thoughts that did anything but calm him down, and the past two days with all their tumultuous events came rushing back to his head: a market place riot in which erupted between a group of fauns and shopkeepers. The fauns, thinking that perhaps all humans of Beaversdam were as accepting of Narnians as they had been the day of the victory parade, had simply walked into a general shop in need of housing supplies. What they fauns hadn't realized was that the shopkeepers, and elderly couple, had lost two of their three sons in the Telmarine battles against the Narnians. The bereaved parents had barely manage to keep from striking at the clueless fauns at first sight, but at realizing those same fauns had every intention of moving into the city, well, they lost it completely. In that couple's mind, they would be neighbors with the very same savage creatures that brutally murdered their boys, and the father, in a flurry of rageful grief, had whipped out a club and bashed one faun over the head. Unfortunately for them all, a couple of dwarves and a Bear had been walking the street as this happened, and within seconds of hearing the fauns' cries, they had rushed to their fellow Narnian's defense. In less time than it takes to say 'By the Lion's Mane', the elderly mother had fled the street, screeching something about animals bludgeoning her helpless husband to death, and in moments a group of Telemarines and Narnians alike had descended upon the little shop, and a few punches between the elderly shopkeeper and the dwarf erupted into a full out brawl that destroyed half the street and left dozen's injured, both Narnian and Telmarine. Pent-up tensions between the two peoples were released again that day with even more violent fury than usual, in the form of smashed faces, clawed-up bodies, and debris-strewn streets that were left in the wake of the brawl. When Caspian and his troops had reached the street, he was horrified at the brutality displayed, on both sides.

And that had been on incident. _One_ fight. Many preceded it, and he was beginning to doubt his ability to prevent any from occurring in the future.

On the day of his coronation, he had thought the simple liberating from tyranny and compensation of lands would be enough to appease both sides, but then, as he walked among the wounded fighters and burning wreckage of a street, reality was shattering his idealistic dreams of a peaceful, unified nation.

It didn't help in the least that he was also distracted. By _memories_, of all things. The part of his mind that was logical and put his kingdom first above all else decried such abhorrent weakness, that a king should be burdened with the words 'what if'. Caspian hated it, both the words and his own inability to move on. Nearly two months later, and still, his mind was haunted by fragments of memories that refused to fade, even in light of his kingdom's chaotic situation.

It wasn't just her that he missed, but also the help her family could have provided: three Kings and two Queens could have stood up more strongly against a council of corrupt, confused nobles than one. A council that was extremely maladjusted to the idea of sharing a nation (and their own lands) with the people that for generations they believed to be fairy tales.

Caspian felt trapped by it all, but more than ever by his own solitude. He'd grown up without the proper love of a family; seeing the four Pevenisies together made him hope, almost, that he could share that with them. But he was alone, _again,_ and more aware of the loss than ever.

He sighed, shivering in the pre-dawn chill; a gust of wind blew, the cold seeming to seep into his very bones. Eyeing the graying horizon, as the stars began to disappear above the misty line of trees and mountains across the valley, Caspian thought of the idea of leaving this castle, with its suffocating amount of demanding Lords and forever feuding Commoners-Telmarine and Narnian alike-and began to find it very appealing.

Caspian closed his eyes: something inside seemed to scream, and wordless cry against life's unfairness wanted to tear itself out of him. But he couldn't be weak like that. He was _king,_ for the Lion's sake. Aslan had crowned him; the High King had entrusted the kingdom to him.

_She _believed in him.

But none of them were here anymore. And he was left to mend a shattered kingdom alone. A kingdom as shattered as his heart was.

'_Besides, can a king so distracted properly rule his kingdom?' _ Caspian reasoned with himself, even as a voice inside his head screeched at him that running would solve nothing. Not that he would run away, of course….at least, not for good.

'_Only for a little while. Just to clear my head……'_

Shaking his head at his folly, Caspian resolved to put such thoughts out of his head as he turned and walked back into his chambers. He knew better. No matter what the problems, whether it be loneliness, pressures of the people, or a broken heart-one couldn't run from the responsibility and obligations bestowed on them. Just as one couldn't run from their hearts.

* * *

"The time to start smiling is now"-that line is originally from 'The Amber Spyglass' of His Dark Materials Trilogy. The scene where that line is said is somewhat similar to the ending of 'Prince Caspian'; both have two people who love each other that are separated by different worlds.

I realized where the line came from _after_ I wrote it, but decided to leave it in because its appropriate for the story; although I doubt the possibility of a person being a devoted Narnia fan and a reader of His Dark Materials, I felt I had to acknowledge the original use of those words, just in case someone wanted to shout 'plagiarism.'

The chapter title comes from the song 'Something Inside' from the August Rush soundtrack, sung by Jonathan Rhys-Meyers. The song is very much reflects the way Caspian feels in this chapter; I advise listening to it.

And sorry if so much of this chapter is a lot more thinking and reflecting on Caspian's part, and not much more; I felt that Caspian has way more to think of, as newly crowned King of a nation that won't just magically become peaceful overnight. These first two chapters were meant to show how Caspian and Susan are mentally dealing with the situation, hence the lack of interaction with other characters; the next chapters will have a lot more action/dialogue in them.

Thanks for reading!


End file.
